Don’t Fall for Fear
In 1984, a young boy did what he had done every morning for the past year – delivering newspapers on his daily rounds. Nearing the end of the round, he was met with a punch in the face. The boy finished the round and ran home, crying and bloody, to deliver his own 'morning news.'
That boy was me. I was bullied as a kid. My newspaper route had 4-5 different paths. I avoided bullies by taking a different path every day.
Sitting me down to clean up a split lip and a bloody nose, and knowing the bullying was not an isolated incident, my Mum offered the following advice: "Don't fall for fear; fear that you're different; fear that you're not enough; fear that you won't make it. Go back and deliver those papers tomorrow. They expect you to fall. Don't give them the satisfaction."
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I'm drawn to exploring and understanding how we conquer fear on the More Elephant platform. At the core of each change agent I meet is a shared experience: confronting and triumphing over fear and uncertainty that, when not overcome, shrinks their ability to live better. The words my Mum spoke over 30 years ago have served me well and have shaped how I respond when fear wants me to shrink and become 'small.'
The Impact of Fear and Playing 'Small' in Life
Fear is an unavoidable part of the human experience. While acknowledging that not all fear is wrong — for example, I might fear confronting a lion in the middle of the Serengeti — the fear I'm talking about is tied to our perceived inadequacies.
It starts early in life; if you're a parent, you have helped (and perhaps coerced) your kids to understand and conquer their fears: fear of the dark, spooky monsters under the bed, fear of the ocean, etc. Yet, to boldly challenge fear, many of us, as we get older, build up 'adult resistance,' succumbing to playing small and, therefore, retract.
It's worth understanding the impact fear has on the brain and body that contributes to 'small-ness.' The effect is tied, in large part, to the amygdala. The amygdala is the part of the brain that decodes emotions and stores fear memories. It is as if the brain short-circuits when fear raises its head; our body tenses, our breath quickens, and our heart races. Our perception is altered, and our inner 'wiring' is dealt a blow. To compound the issue, our brain remembers this experience in our long-term memory because the amygdala is an excellent storage system!
What I Have Learned: A Plan to ‘Go Big’
My response to feeling and playing small is to 'go big.' Here is my take on a 'go big' foundation to be able to face my fears and continue living a more connected, empathetic life at home, with friends, and as a leader of teams —
Be vulnerable, dare greatly, and go for growth: have the audacity to show up fearless by sitting with and naming your fear while being honest with the excuses that prevent progress.
Build inner resiliency: like any muscle, resiliency needs work. And like any muscle, if in short supply or weak, we have to start with light exercises. We feed our muscles nutrients to help them grow; similarly, providing resiliency with a 'nutritious' environment is vital.
Create an environment of learning and experimentation. Start by focusing on a few essential goals or outcomes. Experiment with different approaches, such as building a daily regime anchored to blocks of time focused on a single result. Be deliberate and eliminate redundant routines.
Be yourself, as everyone else is taken: live a life of authenticity, moving from a life of knowing to a life of being. That is part one of my Mum's life lesson. Embrace all you are and improve the parts you want to change. Give yourself grace.
Trust your ability. Whether biblical or another 'kid' reference, 'fall down seven times, stand up eight' to further generate our ability to be resilient and make forward progress.
Surround yourself with positive, affirming attitudes and radiate the same: simply put, like attracts like. I can't stress enough the power of optimism and positivity and its impact on my journey. Even in the most trying moments, the richness of my personal relationships to encourage and frame opportunities in a 'can do' light has enabled my growth.
I celebrate the power in my Mum's simple statement from years ago. She did not have a manual that outlined how to help me navigate life in a culture far less accepting of difference. However, she gave me a gift to 'face the fear head-on.'
It has only sometimes been plain sailing, personally or professionally, as life presents various challenges. That said, as I have dealt with fear, I have learned that we are accountable to our inner 'kid,' to find our way back to being that kid who figured out how to climb the tree, who plunged into the water for the first time, who went out on the pitch to play ball with the bigger kids, feeling that sensation of accomplishment of conquering fear one moment at a time.
Yes, adult-ing is complicated. It takes work and requires a commitment to being More Elephant and actively listening to those around you to help identify blind spots, assess your unconscious biases, and develop a heightened level of self-awareness. Applying a more conscious approach to conquering our fears means our lived experience will improve.
Listen. Learn Live. Better. More Elephant.
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For a more in-depth outline of the amygdala and the close connection to the hippocampus that serves as the contextual interpreter of relative fear, click here. In addition, check out The Mind, Explained, a Netflix docuseries about what happens in our head, including anxiety's physical and mental effects.
